The person I once was is gone. The woman I admired no longer exists. Left is an empty shell. This is all your fault and some day you will realize. I hope that day it hits you like a ton of fucking bricks.
Everyday of my life
Gotta smoke myself to sleep. Stay moving to keep focused. Stay working to avoid. This isn’t me.
And just like that you dumped 5 years down the drain. I am broken. Alone. And lost…
I’ll always wonder why I’m not enough. For a brief time you took that away from me. Now you’ve thrown it back in my face. I’ll never going to be enough for any one. Of that I’m sure. I wasn’t growing up and I’m not now.
But everyone always leaves me. Idk I thought you would be different. Maybe I’m too much. Maybe I’m not enough. All I know is I’m never worth it. And that feeling is getting worse and worse every day of my life.
I wish I was pretty, pretty like them. I wish I could turn heads when I walk in a room. I wish my smile grabbed everyone’s attention, but most of all I wish it caught you. I wish my waist was the right size and my arms were smaller. I wish my face was smooth and I didn’t cut my hair. But mostly I just wish you would care. I’m nothing perfect. I never have been and as much as I try I know I never will be. I’ve always reached for the stars and I’m beginning to wonder why I’ve always been so naïve? The stars are unattainable. I’ll never even get close. Here I thought we were on the same pedestal and in the end I learned we weren’t even in the same atmosphere. I guess the smoke is pretty thick down here. But I wonder if it’s the smoke that’s thick or the cataracts in my eyes? Maybe everyone else was able to see all along and I just held on tight for the ride. I’ve never been desirable, not in a keepsake kind of way. I’m a trinket that’s enjoyed until the next new shiny thing comes to play. What is it about me that’s too easy to discard? Am I really that fucked up that no one sticks around? It’s not even that I’m lost and looking to be found, I’ve been discovered. I’ve been dissected and analyzed despite my many barriers and forces. Despite it all I’m simply a physical lover. I’m a giver at best and everyone takes. How do I continue to pour from an empty glass? My reservoir is drinking and my cracks are beginning to show. My biggest secret I’ve been hiding, I guess everyone will know. I am nothing. Not to want. To keep. To desire. To save. I’m a fraud of all I pretend to be. I’ll never be enough, I’ll never be more. This is it.
leviathans-tail